Attacked

Satan loves to attack me when things are going well. My day started off really nice and easy. I fed the baby, played with him, put him down for his morning nap, folded laundry, got a cup of coffee, and took a book to read outside on the deck. Then all of a sudden, BAM! My day turned horrible and I did not handle it well. I really failed at kicking Satan in the teeth today. I hate that. Why does he have to ruin good things? Why do I have to be tempted with anger and why do I give in to that anger? It's just another reminder that I am a fallen human being. I am not perfect and I really hate that.

I have this big desire to be perfect and when I'm not I beat myself up. And lately I have too many bruises to count. I know that being angry is not wrong, but I hate the way I feel when I'm angry. It's the closest I ever come to being out of control of myself. I don't get drunk and I don't get high, I get angry. I am a very angry person lately and I just want to get back to feeling the love of God around me. My emotions tell me that it's impossible to feel that love again. But my head, that knows nothing about God is impossible, is telling me that I can feel that love again and be wrapped up in my Savior's arms. I just hope that day comes soon.

Silence

I have recently rediscovered how wonderful silence can be. When I say silence I mean silence from a radio, computer, or television. I have recently always had to have something on in the background so it wouldn't be so quiet in my house. Now I really enjoy the silence when Logan is asleep. I get to hear ambient noises. I get to really hear the thoughts in my head that I can't listen to when other things are on. There really is something to quiet reflection. That is where everything is put into perspective. You can really think about who you are and how you have been with others.

I also used to read while listening to the radio, but now reading in silence is such a joy because I can picture things going on in my mind so much better than I can when there's other noise. It helps my imagination to just soak in what I'm reading.

I have a greater ability to think when it's silent. I find it rather silly that I'm just now discovering this, but maybe that's what happens when there are kids in the house who are always making noise. Not that their noise isn't beautiful in itself, but it's nice to get a break from all of that and be refreshed by the quietness that comes at nap time.

I Can't Come Up With A Title

It's been a crazy couple of weeks. We moved into a house. It's really nice. We had about 20 people, including 5 kids over last Wednesday. That was crazy, but fun. We had house guests from Tuesday to Saturday. Logan was really fussy for the first week we were here. He still is a little fussy. I have had to cut dairy out of my diet because the doctor thinks that may be why he's had so many digestive problems, given the fact that both Mike and I are lactose intolerant. I have thought about going to formula, but despite how time consuming it is, I really love breastfeeding. I have also started pumping so that makes it a little easier to take a bottle with us when we go out or Mike can feed him sometimes and have a little time with him. Anyway, Logan is changing all the time. He "talks" to us a lot. It's hard sometimes, but we love him and we're so happy to have him. He's got such personality.

Two Months

I can't believe it! Logan turned two months old yesterday! I can't say it's gone by really fast because the first month was really hard and seemed to drag on forever, but the second month flew by. He has grown so much. He is now two feet tall. I'm not sure how much he weighs, but we think it's probably at least 14 pounds. I am really learning how to be a mom and have my own identity at the same time. He has become such a joy to have around. He's a lot of fun!

In other news, Mike cut his finger at work and has 13 stitches. It has turned out to be a blessing to me because he has been able to be at home more because his finger prevents him from being able to do a lot of his managing duties. It is, however, hard on the bank account. We didn't do much for the 4th of July. We just went to Aaron and Joy's for dinner and then watched a movie. It was nice. We put Logan to sleep upstairs in what will be our room when we move in with them. It was good to get a break and just relax while he slept.

Busy Night

We had a busy night tonight. First, the chiropractor. Second, back to the apartment to pick something up. Third, dinner at Tokyo Grill. Fourth, Columbiana Center to see Sarah at Coldwater Creek. Fifth, went to pick Josh up. Sixth, Best Buy to get a new computer. Logan did great until Best Buy and then he got hungry. He's happy right now though, but I'm not sure when he'll go down for the night. We'll see.

7 Weeks

I can't believe Logan is 7 weeks old today. The last few weeks have gone by pretty fast. I have to say. I am starting to truly love being a Mom. Not that I have hated it, but it is an adjustment. It's starting to get fun and joyous. Logan's colic has gotten better. He doesn't cry for as long as he was. Now, I know most of the time why he cries. When it gets inconsolable, I know that he's just really tired and fighting sleep. It's great when you figure things out. I'm also getting a little closer to God because of Logan! It's great to be able to turn to Him for comfort!

Logan's First Bath

I gave Logan his first bath today. As soon as I put him in his tub he proceeded to pee all in the water. I told him, "Logan, that kind of defeats the purpose of taking a bath." So, we started over. He seemed to like being in the water at first, but towards the end, he decided he was done and started to cry. I think he just got cold even though I turned the air off before we started. When I dried him off and put him in his robe he was happy again. It wasn't a bad experience. I think he'll come to like bath's eventually.

This Weekend

My parents and Grandmother came this weekend. It was pretty fun. We got to go and see the new Terminator movie while Mom and Granny kept Logan. I like now knowing that I can get out of the house without him for a couple of hours and he'll be fine. We also went to lunch with just my parents while Granny kept him at home. I love my son, don't get me wrong, but it was nice to get a couple of breaks.

Mike and I went to Frankie's Fun Park yesterday. We just played around in the arcade. Logan slept the whole time. It was pretty fun. We haven't been there in a long time. It was a nice little family outing. Not very interesting news, but it was a nice weekend.

Constipation

My poor little guy was so constipated last night. He just cried for a few hours. He was awake from 1:00pm to 7:00pm. That's a really long time for him. Thankfully though, he slept until 1:30am before waking up to eat. So, Mommy and Daddy got some good sleep last night. I wish I knew what caused him to be so miserable. I don't know if it was something I ate or if it was because I had been trying to get him on formula the last couple of days. I have changed my mind about the formula and am just going to keep breast feeding for as long as I can. I'm really enjoying it more these days. It really is a special thing. God is really teaching me how to be a mother. Mike has been wonderful as a dad and a great encouragement to me. God has given me two of the greatest guys in the world!

Logan's Birth Story

Well, I started having contractions Thursday night on April 30th. For the most part they stayed 10 minutes apart for until Wednesday morning. Then they started to really pick up. So, I called Katie and told her that they were really close together. They kept coming for awhile, but then they slowed down again. So, we went out to breakfast, then went to the chiropractor, then went walking at the zoo to see if they would pick back up. Oh, somewhere in there we figured out that my water had broken at about 2:30 that morning. I wasn't sure, but they tested my pad and found amniotic fluid. So, after all the walking, my contractions were even further apart. I was miserable. So, they had me taking cotton root to stir up contractions. It worked a little, but it never got me to the point of labor. Then, we did caster oil. It didn't work either. Finally, they approached me with my options. Because my water had been broken for almost 24 hours something needed to happen. I could try to sleep at home and see if anything happened by the next day or I could go to the hospital and get an epidural and possibly have to get induced. Everything in me told me that it was time to go to the hospital. So, we traveled for and hour and a half to the hospital in Manning, SC because that was where my consulting physician, Dr. Moore was and it wasn't an emergency. On the drive up, my contractions picked up to the point of being in labor. So, I got and epidural so I could sleep. When I woke up at about 6 on Thursday morning, they told me they had to give me Pitosen to induce labor because my contractions had slowed down again. My epidural started really wearing off on my left side during labor so I had to get more medicine. I started pushing at 8:00am. After two hours, still no baby. The doctor told me he would let me push for one more hour if I wanted, but after that, we would have to do a c- section. Logan just wasn't able to come out. I ended up pushing for two more hours instead of one because there was an emergency c-section that had to be done so the operating room was occupied. I was in the most pain I have ever felt in my life. When we went in to do the c-section I had to get a special spinal epidural because my left side still didn't stay numb. I had the hardest time of my life with this and even now being home, I'm not doing the greatest yet. But every day is getting better. There was tremendous relief when I heard Logan cry for the first time. I cried right when I heard him. So did Mike. We love him so much! God has given us such a beautiful boy!

The Motions

This might hurt
It's not safe
But I know that I've gotta make a change
I don't care If I break

At least I'll be feeling something
Cause just ok
Is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life

Chorus
I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking
What if I had given everything?
Instead of going through the motions

No regrets
Not this time
I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love
Make me whole
I think I'm finally feeling something

Take me all the way
Take me all the way
Take me all the way

This is pretty much how I feel right now. There has been such a distance between God and me for so long and I'm sick of it. I want that relationship back. Especially now because I don't think I can make it without it. We have a baby on the way and I want him to grow up knowing who Jesus is. I'm learning more and more that life is impossible without God. I'm not the person I used to be. I don't talk to God the way I used to. I don't read His Word on a regular basis. I don't bring Him my struggles and worries and when I do, it's like a last resort. I don't want God to be my last resort. I want Him to be the one I go to first because He's the only one who can make things right. I want Him to be in my thoughts all the time. I want Him to be the one I live for again. I've been living for myself for so long and it's getting me nowhere but to a place of apathy. I want a higher purpose instead of just trying to make it through the day. I want to be involved in other people's lives. I don't really have friends right now that I can hang out with and I don't really have a ministry. I spend my days off in my apartment by myself. I'm not investing in others the way I want to. I need relationships. I need a relationship with God. I need relationships with others. I love my husband, but I need other people in my life as well and I just don't have that right now. I need people who will talk about God with me and encourage me to keep working on my relationship with Him. This is very heavy stuff for 3 am, but I can't sleep because I'm to stressed out about things. And that's another issue. When I was really close to God, I was never kept awake at night worrying about things. Now, it's pretty common. Anyway, that's me right now. I'm not giving up. I'm going to keep trying to know God again. I need Him more than anything.

Results

I was worried about the appointment with the midwife last night because our conversation earlier that day was discouraging for me. I didn't get a very good first impression of her. So, I was like, "what are we going to do if we don't like her?" Surely we don't want someone we're not comfortable with in our home supervising our child being born. So, that was all up in the air. However, we met with her and Katie last night and I have to say that we both really liked her. I guess first impressions aren't everything. So, as long as she's willing to work with us financially, we're sticking with her. Because we're coming in so late in the game, when most people probably have their bill paid off by this point in the pregnancy, we don't have the full amount to pay her upfront. But I think she's willing to work with us if we're willing to pay and just be reimbursed by the insurance company. Anyway, it all worked out. There's still a lot of last minute things to do, but God is giving me strength to get it done. He is good!

Complicated

I'm worried that I've made having a baby more complicated than it should be. Yes I've waited til the last minute to make some important decisions, but do I have to be constantly reminded of that from others. And is that really the big picture at this point. All I want to know is that my baby will arrive as safely as possible. At this point, it seems that things should just be settled and easy and all we're doing is waiting. Why is it this hard? I'm tempted to just go with what's easiest at this point, but we'll see how tonight goes.

Baby Shower

I had my first baby shower yesterday. It was so much fun. It's gotten me so much more excited about being a mom. There is still a lot to do before he gets here, but I'm just taking it one day at a time. It's still amazing to me that I have this little person growing inside of me. It hasn't always been easy with swollen feet and everything, but I wouldn't trade this experience for anything. I have had it a lot easier than a lot of women I know. Anyway, only 7 weeks left. It's going to come so fast!

Hurting

A friend of mine just had a miscarriage. It's weird that I've known people who have had them before, but this time it hits me harder. Because I am pregnant it just breaks my heart even more. I don't really know what to say to be comforting. Part of me feels bad because I still get to carry my baby and she doesn't. I just wish I understood why some babies never make it out of the womb. Why create them in the first place just to have them lost before they ever come out? I know that God has His reasons and that He uses these times ultimately for His purpose, but aren't there other ways to show us what He wants? These are the times that I just don't understand Him, but I do still trust Him.

Sleep

I am not sleeping well lately. Possibly because I am going to sleep at the same time as my husband or before. So I fall asleep between 8 and 9. Then, I get too much sleep, but I also wake up a lot. I guess I better get used to it. I'm worried that it's going to be forever before I sleep well again. I've been up since 4:30 am. I'm really looking forward to being a mom, but I'm worried at how my attitude and personality will be with even more lack of sleep. I'll just have to turn to God even more to get me through the days.

It's Been Awhile

Well, I'm about six months pregnant! I am really anxious for him to get here. And yet at the same time, I still feel like there's so much that has to be taken care of first. It's a little stressful. I feel like something is missing sometimes. Like there is something that I have been waiting for for so long and it is just out of my reach. I know that he is inside me but, part of me feels like I won't be whole until he's here where I can touch and see him. I know it sounds crazy but, it's just what I'm feeling right now.