The Motions

This might hurt
It's not safe
But I know that I've gotta make a change
I don't care If I break

At least I'll be feeling something
Cause just ok
Is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life

Chorus
I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking
What if I had given everything?
Instead of going through the motions

No regrets
Not this time
I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love
Make me whole
I think I'm finally feeling something

Take me all the way
Take me all the way
Take me all the way

This is pretty much how I feel right now. There has been such a distance between God and me for so long and I'm sick of it. I want that relationship back. Especially now because I don't think I can make it without it. We have a baby on the way and I want him to grow up knowing who Jesus is. I'm learning more and more that life is impossible without God. I'm not the person I used to be. I don't talk to God the way I used to. I don't read His Word on a regular basis. I don't bring Him my struggles and worries and when I do, it's like a last resort. I don't want God to be my last resort. I want Him to be the one I go to first because He's the only one who can make things right. I want Him to be in my thoughts all the time. I want Him to be the one I live for again. I've been living for myself for so long and it's getting me nowhere but to a place of apathy. I want a higher purpose instead of just trying to make it through the day. I want to be involved in other people's lives. I don't really have friends right now that I can hang out with and I don't really have a ministry. I spend my days off in my apartment by myself. I'm not investing in others the way I want to. I need relationships. I need a relationship with God. I need relationships with others. I love my husband, but I need other people in my life as well and I just don't have that right now. I need people who will talk about God with me and encourage me to keep working on my relationship with Him. This is very heavy stuff for 3 am, but I can't sleep because I'm to stressed out about things. And that's another issue. When I was really close to God, I was never kept awake at night worrying about things. Now, it's pretty common. Anyway, that's me right now. I'm not giving up. I'm going to keep trying to know God again. I need Him more than anything.

Results

I was worried about the appointment with the midwife last night because our conversation earlier that day was discouraging for me. I didn't get a very good first impression of her. So, I was like, "what are we going to do if we don't like her?" Surely we don't want someone we're not comfortable with in our home supervising our child being born. So, that was all up in the air. However, we met with her and Katie last night and I have to say that we both really liked her. I guess first impressions aren't everything. So, as long as she's willing to work with us financially, we're sticking with her. Because we're coming in so late in the game, when most people probably have their bill paid off by this point in the pregnancy, we don't have the full amount to pay her upfront. But I think she's willing to work with us if we're willing to pay and just be reimbursed by the insurance company. Anyway, it all worked out. There's still a lot of last minute things to do, but God is giving me strength to get it done. He is good!

Complicated

I'm worried that I've made having a baby more complicated than it should be. Yes I've waited til the last minute to make some important decisions, but do I have to be constantly reminded of that from others. And is that really the big picture at this point. All I want to know is that my baby will arrive as safely as possible. At this point, it seems that things should just be settled and easy and all we're doing is waiting. Why is it this hard? I'm tempted to just go with what's easiest at this point, but we'll see how tonight goes.

Baby Shower

I had my first baby shower yesterday. It was so much fun. It's gotten me so much more excited about being a mom. There is still a lot to do before he gets here, but I'm just taking it one day at a time. It's still amazing to me that I have this little person growing inside of me. It hasn't always been easy with swollen feet and everything, but I wouldn't trade this experience for anything. I have had it a lot easier than a lot of women I know. Anyway, only 7 weeks left. It's going to come so fast!