New Blog

It's time to say goodbye to pottersalchemy. Our new blog is http://www.wheretherubbomeetstheroad.blogspot.com

Change

I'm getting excited about the next couple of months! Mainly, because we will be moving again at the end of October! We haven't found a place yet, but I'm really looking forward to being somewhere else. I want to feel safe enough to take my son on walks again. I think my having a job is going to help us out a lot. When I think about it, I have it pretty good. I only work 3 nights a week, which is really not a lot. My job has it's frustrating moments, but I really do like it. Mainly because I get some alone time in the car when I go on deliveries. It's nice to be able to listen to my music in the car, which, lately, goes back and forth between Gungor, Andrew Peterson, and my beautiful friend, Ashley Beth! I love being able to listen to Christian music, because it helps so much when I'm frustrated about parking or if I can't find my delivery. It helps me to pray more, so that I can get through those times.

Our life has changed quite a bit with me working. It's weird not being home every night to put Logan to bed and spend time with Mike, but I think it's good for us. Mike gets more time to bond with Logan without me there and I get to have a responsibility outside of the house. It seems to be working out well. I don't know. It's been a rough summer, but I am just looking forward to what God has in store for us in this new season of our life. We are not promised an easy life and it could just get harder from here. It could also get easier for awhile. Either way, God is good and He is faithful and will carry us through anything that comes. Bring it on!!

Not Worrying

We are having some financial trouble lately. The amazing thing is that I'm not really worried about it. Don't get me wrong, I am constantly looking for a job, but that is all I can do. Knowing that I am doing everything I can do makes me feel better because, then, I just have to give God control over the results of my searching. I know that God is going to provide, somehow! He is faithful and He will take care of us one way or another. So, that is my comfort everyday! God will provide! We still have to do our part, but then it's in His hands.

Lost Sheep

“If a man has a hundred sheep and one of them wanders away, what will he do? Won’t he leave the ninety-nine others on the hills and go out to search for the one that is lost? And if he finds it, I tell you the truth, he will rejoice over it more than over the ninety-nine that didn’t wander away? In the same way, it is not my heavenly Father’s will that even one of these little ones should perish.”

Matthew 18:12-14

I’ve really been searching my heart about things lately. What parts of my heart are good and what parts are evil? When it comes to lost people, I tend to judge them by what they do. I know people who are generally good people and I know some who are not. I have more compassion on those I consider good than I do for those I don’t. It’s as if I feel that the good ones are more worthy to be saved.

However, this scripture says that it is not God’s will for anyone to perish. It should not matter to me what anyone has done or not done. God wants all of us with Him. He wants murderers with Him just as much as those who do good deeds. I have read this scripture so many times, but I still fail to look at everyone the way God does. This doesn’t mean that there shouldn’t be consequences to people’s actions, but I should be more heartbroken about the fact that they are lost than I am.

Story Time At The Library

I took Logan to story time at the library yesterday. He had a lot of fun. They read several books and sang a few songs in between. Logan only got restless towards the end and wanted to get up and walk around. I figured it was better to let him walk than try to hold him down and risk him being fussy so no one could hear. There were already other kids standing up right in front of the book, as kids often do. Logan didn't really care about the book at this point. He just wanted to walk around and explore the room and get a good look at every person in the room. He was weaving in and out of people sitting down just smiling at them.

This was the point where I expected people to get a little annoyed that he wasn't being still. I grew up in the south where you are supposed to be seated and quiet the whole time in situations like this. So, the fact that I am still living in the south made me nervous in this situation. However, no one seemed to be bothered and they all smiled back at him. I also noticed that they were all telling each other, "He's so cute!" We get that a lot when it comes to Logan. I am so glad that he was met with acceptance and not ridicule.

Reflecting on this situation has made me realize the number 1 way that Logan is like me. Logan is a people person! He thrives on being around people. When it's just him and me, he gets bored very easily. I can pull out every toy he has and we'll play for a few minutes and then he'll get fussy because he's ready to do something else. He gets so excited when he knows we're going out because he knows he's going to get to see people. There are days when I really don't want to go anywhere if I don't have to. Some days Logan handles staying at home well and some days it's obvious that he wants to leave. If we have people over, he'll refuse to take a nap because he doesn't want to miss anything. I am the same way. If I'm with a group of people, no matter how tired I am or how late it is, I don't want to leave because I don't want to miss anything.

Over the past almost two years I have had a hard time learning how to be a mom and still be the people person that I am. I went from working a job that I loved, with amazing people, to being a stay-at-home mom, which I also love. It's been amazing being at home with Logan, but it's also been one of the hardest times in my life. I feel like when I became a mom, I just forgot about a lot of other relationships and that has left me with very few friends. Even now I struggle to keep in touch with the friends I do have because. . . well, I'm not sure why. I am trying to get better.

The bright side in everything is that I can hear God more and more telling me to get out there and build relationships. He made me a people person and He knows what I need. I need to stop worrying about Logan being dragged all over the place because he clearly loves going all over the place. I need to be the one to initiate things with friends. I need to finally take the next step in joining a small group at church so that I can invest in other women that I'm supposed to be in fellowship with and they can invest in me. God, give me the strength to pursue and persevere!

Where Did The Music Go

For as long as I can remember, the one thing that gave me the most joy in life was music. I loved singing and I wanted to learn how to play so many instruments! Music was my way of escape. I would just pour myself into songs and that was my way of venting, expressing my anger, expressing my joy, and praising God. I remember when I found a song that I absolutely loved, I would stay in my room all day and listen to it on repeat. Sometimes I would have a song on repeat all night while I slept. It was comforting and I was good at it. I was pretty good at singing and I excelled at playing the clarinet.

But, now, I feel like there's just not that much music to connect with out there. I'm strictly talking about Christian music because I, in general, don't feel that connected to other music unless I know the story behind it. We only have two Christian radio stations here and they both kind of get on my nerves, one more than the other. There are some songs that I like, but it has been awhile since I have heard anyone put out a song that I love and that moves me (Andrew Peterson is the exception. Let's face it, the man can write! My friend, Ashley, is also the exception! Love you, Shlee!). Either I have lost my ability to find really good Christian music out there or there just isn't a lot.

I really miss my connection with music. I drive around listening to Harry Potter on audio book because I don't like what's on the radio (I've never really liked listening to the radio all that much, I prefer my own music) and I'm tired of the limited music that I seem to have in my collection. I like listening to audio books, but I don't sing enough and I don't think my voice is as good as it used to be because I haven't used it regularly in a long time. So, I have made the decision to finally learn how to play my hammered dulcimer and the guitar because they are my two favorite instruments. And in the meantime, could someone please introduce me to some good Christian music that I'm missing? And please don't say NEEDTOBREATHE because, I'm sorry, I hate the guys voice and the songs that I've heard I don't really like anyway!

Connection

There are certain people in your life that you have a special connection to. The kind of connection that makes it possible to just pick right up where you left off if you only see them every once in awhile. Sure, you talk about how your life's been up until this point, but then, it just goes right into everyday conversation where you are joking around and just enjoying each other. There is no awkwardness because you no longer know how to act around each other. You are still completely free to be yourself and that's okay. You don't feel like you have to put on your "company behavior". I praise the Lord that this was my experience tonight as I caught up with friends from out of town!

Thankful

Last night, we all went around the table and shared what we are thankful for. I was just amazed at how God is working in everyone's lives! I got to hear things that my husband was thankful for and I realized that we don't share what we're thankful for enough. It was nice to hear that neither of us think that our lives suck. There is so much to be thankful for! So, I'm going to share some of what I shared last night.

I'm thankful for how God is working in my life right now and the fact that I'm getting closer to Him! I haven't really felt connected to God in a couple of years and I'm just so thankful that I've finally started to listen to him again!

I'm thankful for my husband! I love who he is and who he is becoming! I am grateful for the way he provides for us! I am thankful for how much he loves Logan. He is such a great father!

I am thankful for God's provision! He has provided us with a house, food, clothing, transportation, and everything else we need!

I am thankful for our church! God has totally blessed us with such a great body of believers! I am constantly growing through what God has to say to me every Sunday!

I am thankful for Logan! I love being a mom. I love that I get to stay at home with Logan for the time being. I love coming up with things to do with him. He is such a sweet little boy and so smart.

Well, I guess that's all for now. I know there's so much more to be thankful for, but that's all the typing I have time for right now. Praise the Lord! He has been so good to me!

Pride

I was reminded yesterday of how my pride and my sin are linked. Things that I didn't even view as pride, God brought before me to reveal the truth. I have never thought of myself as a prideful person. I guess I have just thought of pride to have one definition - thinking you're better than someone else. This one definition has so many meanings. There are lots of ways that we can think of ourselves as better than others and not even realize it.

Yesterday, through one of my best friends, who has always been like a big brother to me, God exposed me to myself. He exposed me for the utterly prideful person that I am and showed me that I am just as prideful as anyone else can be.

Call me crazy, but I love it when God convicts me. I love when He just proves to me that I'm not okay and that I still need Him. I love being brought to tears and practically weeping over the fact that I'm not perfect. I guess it makes me feel like God is still there and He still cares about me and wants me to have abundant life.

Unhealthy Fear

I sometimes have a really unhealthy fear of God. I have heard people say so many times in the past that if something or someone is more important to you than God, He will take that something or someone away. Lately, I have been haunted by this. I am not going to lie and say that God is the most important one in my life right now. My husband and child are the most important.

So, as a result of where my priorities are right now, I have this fear at times that God will take one of them away from me. And the only way He can take them away is by death. This really scares me. It scares me that I even think this way. I know that I need to make God my number 1, but I don't like the idea of doing it out of fear. I don't want to be scared into it because I'm afraid of my son or husband or both dying.

It's really stupid to think of God in that way. This is where Satan really has a foothold on me. He has a big hold on my thoughts. I come up with these scenario's in my head to the point where I convince myself that they are true, when in reality, I know they're not. It happens all the time and in almost every aspect of my life. In my head, most of the time, no one is really my friend. No one really likes me. I'm not a good mother. I'm really going to screw Logan up.

I still try to tell myself that these things are not true, but I don't believe myself and I have trouble believing Mike when he tries to reassure me of the truth. I really need God right now and always. I just can't seem to get back to Him being the center of everything, but I believe that will come in time.

Just Talking

I just have some thoughts I need to put down. I want a life where things happen. One where I can interact with people everyday. I love being with my son all day, but God did not make me to be by myself all day. I need other people. I was made to be a person who is out there investing in people and I don't want to only be able to do that when my husband is home from work. I want to spend time with him as well. And we need money. That's all there is to it. My son is not going to have to worry about where his college money is going to come from. He is not going to be buried by loans like I am and not be able to finish school because of money. I am so tired of feeling like I will be the most horrible mother in the world if I put my son in daycare. I know that putting him in daycare will not be the end of the world and that it doesn't make me a bad mother, but I feel like that's what a lot of the Christian world believes. Not all daycare's are bad. And putting your kid in daycare doesn't say anything about your parenting. Sometimes you've got to do what you've got to do. Period.

Times, They Are A Changing

Well, it looks like I'm going to have to find a way to bring some money in. Don't get me wrong, Mike brings in enough for us to live on, but we aren't able to save anything. So, I'm searching for a job. I don't think it would be the worst thing in the world to have to put Logan in daycare, but I am having such a great life by him being with me everyday. So, what I'm looking for is a nanny position where I can take him with me. I'm also thinking about selling Mary Kay as well, because most of the nanny positions I am finding are part time and I think it would be fun. Also, we're going to have a car payment soon because we are looking at buying me a car. I haven't had one for quite a few months now. We have gotten by with one car just fine. I just want a car so that I don't have to go grocery shopping when Mike gets off work and so that I can take Logan out during the day when it's nice. I would also like to be able to go to the mom's small group at church that's on Monday morning. We'll see.

Anyway, I won't be a strictly stay-at-home mom for too much longer, but hopefully whatever job I get, Logan can come with me.

New Blog

I may still post on here, but I followed my Mother-In-Law over to wordpress. It just seems like a nice change. My address is www.tangerubbo.wordpress.com

Attacked

Satan loves to attack me when things are going well. My day started off really nice and easy. I fed the baby, played with him, put him down for his morning nap, folded laundry, got a cup of coffee, and took a book to read outside on the deck. Then all of a sudden, BAM! My day turned horrible and I did not handle it well. I really failed at kicking Satan in the teeth today. I hate that. Why does he have to ruin good things? Why do I have to be tempted with anger and why do I give in to that anger? It's just another reminder that I am a fallen human being. I am not perfect and I really hate that.

I have this big desire to be perfect and when I'm not I beat myself up. And lately I have too many bruises to count. I know that being angry is not wrong, but I hate the way I feel when I'm angry. It's the closest I ever come to being out of control of myself. I don't get drunk and I don't get high, I get angry. I am a very angry person lately and I just want to get back to feeling the love of God around me. My emotions tell me that it's impossible to feel that love again. But my head, that knows nothing about God is impossible, is telling me that I can feel that love again and be wrapped up in my Savior's arms. I just hope that day comes soon.

Silence

I have recently rediscovered how wonderful silence can be. When I say silence I mean silence from a radio, computer, or television. I have recently always had to have something on in the background so it wouldn't be so quiet in my house. Now I really enjoy the silence when Logan is asleep. I get to hear ambient noises. I get to really hear the thoughts in my head that I can't listen to when other things are on. There really is something to quiet reflection. That is where everything is put into perspective. You can really think about who you are and how you have been with others.

I also used to read while listening to the radio, but now reading in silence is such a joy because I can picture things going on in my mind so much better than I can when there's other noise. It helps my imagination to just soak in what I'm reading.

I have a greater ability to think when it's silent. I find it rather silly that I'm just now discovering this, but maybe that's what happens when there are kids in the house who are always making noise. Not that their noise isn't beautiful in itself, but it's nice to get a break from all of that and be refreshed by the quietness that comes at nap time.

I Can't Come Up With A Title

It's been a crazy couple of weeks. We moved into a house. It's really nice. We had about 20 people, including 5 kids over last Wednesday. That was crazy, but fun. We had house guests from Tuesday to Saturday. Logan was really fussy for the first week we were here. He still is a little fussy. I have had to cut dairy out of my diet because the doctor thinks that may be why he's had so many digestive problems, given the fact that both Mike and I are lactose intolerant. I have thought about going to formula, but despite how time consuming it is, I really love breastfeeding. I have also started pumping so that makes it a little easier to take a bottle with us when we go out or Mike can feed him sometimes and have a little time with him. Anyway, Logan is changing all the time. He "talks" to us a lot. It's hard sometimes, but we love him and we're so happy to have him. He's got such personality.

Two Months

I can't believe it! Logan turned two months old yesterday! I can't say it's gone by really fast because the first month was really hard and seemed to drag on forever, but the second month flew by. He has grown so much. He is now two feet tall. I'm not sure how much he weighs, but we think it's probably at least 14 pounds. I am really learning how to be a mom and have my own identity at the same time. He has become such a joy to have around. He's a lot of fun!

In other news, Mike cut his finger at work and has 13 stitches. It has turned out to be a blessing to me because he has been able to be at home more because his finger prevents him from being able to do a lot of his managing duties. It is, however, hard on the bank account. We didn't do much for the 4th of July. We just went to Aaron and Joy's for dinner and then watched a movie. It was nice. We put Logan to sleep upstairs in what will be our room when we move in with them. It was good to get a break and just relax while he slept.

Busy Night

We had a busy night tonight. First, the chiropractor. Second, back to the apartment to pick something up. Third, dinner at Tokyo Grill. Fourth, Columbiana Center to see Sarah at Coldwater Creek. Fifth, went to pick Josh up. Sixth, Best Buy to get a new computer. Logan did great until Best Buy and then he got hungry. He's happy right now though, but I'm not sure when he'll go down for the night. We'll see.

7 Weeks

I can't believe Logan is 7 weeks old today. The last few weeks have gone by pretty fast. I have to say. I am starting to truly love being a Mom. Not that I have hated it, but it is an adjustment. It's starting to get fun and joyous. Logan's colic has gotten better. He doesn't cry for as long as he was. Now, I know most of the time why he cries. When it gets inconsolable, I know that he's just really tired and fighting sleep. It's great when you figure things out. I'm also getting a little closer to God because of Logan! It's great to be able to turn to Him for comfort!

Logan's First Bath

I gave Logan his first bath today. As soon as I put him in his tub he proceeded to pee all in the water. I told him, "Logan, that kind of defeats the purpose of taking a bath." So, we started over. He seemed to like being in the water at first, but towards the end, he decided he was done and started to cry. I think he just got cold even though I turned the air off before we started. When I dried him off and put him in his robe he was happy again. It wasn't a bad experience. I think he'll come to like bath's eventually.