Unhealthy Fear

I sometimes have a really unhealthy fear of God. I have heard people say so many times in the past that if something or someone is more important to you than God, He will take that something or someone away. Lately, I have been haunted by this. I am not going to lie and say that God is the most important one in my life right now. My husband and child are the most important.

So, as a result of where my priorities are right now, I have this fear at times that God will take one of them away from me. And the only way He can take them away is by death. This really scares me. It scares me that I even think this way. I know that I need to make God my number 1, but I don't like the idea of doing it out of fear. I don't want to be scared into it because I'm afraid of my son or husband or both dying.

It's really stupid to think of God in that way. This is where Satan really has a foothold on me. He has a big hold on my thoughts. I come up with these scenario's in my head to the point where I convince myself that they are true, when in reality, I know they're not. It happens all the time and in almost every aspect of my life. In my head, most of the time, no one is really my friend. No one really likes me. I'm not a good mother. I'm really going to screw Logan up.

I still try to tell myself that these things are not true, but I don't believe myself and I have trouble believing Mike when he tries to reassure me of the truth. I really need God right now and always. I just can't seem to get back to Him being the center of everything, but I believe that will come in time.

Just Talking

I just have some thoughts I need to put down. I want a life where things happen. One where I can interact with people everyday. I love being with my son all day, but God did not make me to be by myself all day. I need other people. I was made to be a person who is out there investing in people and I don't want to only be able to do that when my husband is home from work. I want to spend time with him as well. And we need money. That's all there is to it. My son is not going to have to worry about where his college money is going to come from. He is not going to be buried by loans like I am and not be able to finish school because of money. I am so tired of feeling like I will be the most horrible mother in the world if I put my son in daycare. I know that putting him in daycare will not be the end of the world and that it doesn't make me a bad mother, but I feel like that's what a lot of the Christian world believes. Not all daycare's are bad. And putting your kid in daycare doesn't say anything about your parenting. Sometimes you've got to do what you've got to do. Period.

Times, They Are A Changing

Well, it looks like I'm going to have to find a way to bring some money in. Don't get me wrong, Mike brings in enough for us to live on, but we aren't able to save anything. So, I'm searching for a job. I don't think it would be the worst thing in the world to have to put Logan in daycare, but I am having such a great life by him being with me everyday. So, what I'm looking for is a nanny position where I can take him with me. I'm also thinking about selling Mary Kay as well, because most of the nanny positions I am finding are part time and I think it would be fun. Also, we're going to have a car payment soon because we are looking at buying me a car. I haven't had one for quite a few months now. We have gotten by with one car just fine. I just want a car so that I don't have to go grocery shopping when Mike gets off work and so that I can take Logan out during the day when it's nice. I would also like to be able to go to the mom's small group at church that's on Monday morning. We'll see.

Anyway, I won't be a strictly stay-at-home mom for too much longer, but hopefully whatever job I get, Logan can come with me.

New Blog

I may still post on here, but I followed my Mother-In-Law over to wordpress. It just seems like a nice change. My address is www.tangerubbo.wordpress.com

Attacked

Satan loves to attack me when things are going well. My day started off really nice and easy. I fed the baby, played with him, put him down for his morning nap, folded laundry, got a cup of coffee, and took a book to read outside on the deck. Then all of a sudden, BAM! My day turned horrible and I did not handle it well. I really failed at kicking Satan in the teeth today. I hate that. Why does he have to ruin good things? Why do I have to be tempted with anger and why do I give in to that anger? It's just another reminder that I am a fallen human being. I am not perfect and I really hate that.

I have this big desire to be perfect and when I'm not I beat myself up. And lately I have too many bruises to count. I know that being angry is not wrong, but I hate the way I feel when I'm angry. It's the closest I ever come to being out of control of myself. I don't get drunk and I don't get high, I get angry. I am a very angry person lately and I just want to get back to feeling the love of God around me. My emotions tell me that it's impossible to feel that love again. But my head, that knows nothing about God is impossible, is telling me that I can feel that love again and be wrapped up in my Savior's arms. I just hope that day comes soon.

Silence

I have recently rediscovered how wonderful silence can be. When I say silence I mean silence from a radio, computer, or television. I have recently always had to have something on in the background so it wouldn't be so quiet in my house. Now I really enjoy the silence when Logan is asleep. I get to hear ambient noises. I get to really hear the thoughts in my head that I can't listen to when other things are on. There really is something to quiet reflection. That is where everything is put into perspective. You can really think about who you are and how you have been with others.

I also used to read while listening to the radio, but now reading in silence is such a joy because I can picture things going on in my mind so much better than I can when there's other noise. It helps my imagination to just soak in what I'm reading.

I have a greater ability to think when it's silent. I find it rather silly that I'm just now discovering this, but maybe that's what happens when there are kids in the house who are always making noise. Not that their noise isn't beautiful in itself, but it's nice to get a break from all of that and be refreshed by the quietness that comes at nap time.

I Can't Come Up With A Title

It's been a crazy couple of weeks. We moved into a house. It's really nice. We had about 20 people, including 5 kids over last Wednesday. That was crazy, but fun. We had house guests from Tuesday to Saturday. Logan was really fussy for the first week we were here. He still is a little fussy. I have had to cut dairy out of my diet because the doctor thinks that may be why he's had so many digestive problems, given the fact that both Mike and I are lactose intolerant. I have thought about going to formula, but despite how time consuming it is, I really love breastfeeding. I have also started pumping so that makes it a little easier to take a bottle with us when we go out or Mike can feed him sometimes and have a little time with him. Anyway, Logan is changing all the time. He "talks" to us a lot. It's hard sometimes, but we love him and we're so happy to have him. He's got such personality.