Story Time At The Library

I took Logan to story time at the library yesterday. He had a lot of fun. They read several books and sang a few songs in between. Logan only got restless towards the end and wanted to get up and walk around. I figured it was better to let him walk than try to hold him down and risk him being fussy so no one could hear. There were already other kids standing up right in front of the book, as kids often do. Logan didn't really care about the book at this point. He just wanted to walk around and explore the room and get a good look at every person in the room. He was weaving in and out of people sitting down just smiling at them.

This was the point where I expected people to get a little annoyed that he wasn't being still. I grew up in the south where you are supposed to be seated and quiet the whole time in situations like this. So, the fact that I am still living in the south made me nervous in this situation. However, no one seemed to be bothered and they all smiled back at him. I also noticed that they were all telling each other, "He's so cute!" We get that a lot when it comes to Logan. I am so glad that he was met with acceptance and not ridicule.

Reflecting on this situation has made me realize the number 1 way that Logan is like me. Logan is a people person! He thrives on being around people. When it's just him and me, he gets bored very easily. I can pull out every toy he has and we'll play for a few minutes and then he'll get fussy because he's ready to do something else. He gets so excited when he knows we're going out because he knows he's going to get to see people. There are days when I really don't want to go anywhere if I don't have to. Some days Logan handles staying at home well and some days it's obvious that he wants to leave. If we have people over, he'll refuse to take a nap because he doesn't want to miss anything. I am the same way. If I'm with a group of people, no matter how tired I am or how late it is, I don't want to leave because I don't want to miss anything.

Over the past almost two years I have had a hard time learning how to be a mom and still be the people person that I am. I went from working a job that I loved, with amazing people, to being a stay-at-home mom, which I also love. It's been amazing being at home with Logan, but it's also been one of the hardest times in my life. I feel like when I became a mom, I just forgot about a lot of other relationships and that has left me with very few friends. Even now I struggle to keep in touch with the friends I do have because. . . well, I'm not sure why. I am trying to get better.

The bright side in everything is that I can hear God more and more telling me to get out there and build relationships. He made me a people person and He knows what I need. I need to stop worrying about Logan being dragged all over the place because he clearly loves going all over the place. I need to be the one to initiate things with friends. I need to finally take the next step in joining a small group at church so that I can invest in other women that I'm supposed to be in fellowship with and they can invest in me. God, give me the strength to pursue and persevere!

Where Did The Music Go

For as long as I can remember, the one thing that gave me the most joy in life was music. I loved singing and I wanted to learn how to play so many instruments! Music was my way of escape. I would just pour myself into songs and that was my way of venting, expressing my anger, expressing my joy, and praising God. I remember when I found a song that I absolutely loved, I would stay in my room all day and listen to it on repeat. Sometimes I would have a song on repeat all night while I slept. It was comforting and I was good at it. I was pretty good at singing and I excelled at playing the clarinet.

But, now, I feel like there's just not that much music to connect with out there. I'm strictly talking about Christian music because I, in general, don't feel that connected to other music unless I know the story behind it. We only have two Christian radio stations here and they both kind of get on my nerves, one more than the other. There are some songs that I like, but it has been awhile since I have heard anyone put out a song that I love and that moves me (Andrew Peterson is the exception. Let's face it, the man can write! My friend, Ashley, is also the exception! Love you, Shlee!). Either I have lost my ability to find really good Christian music out there or there just isn't a lot.

I really miss my connection with music. I drive around listening to Harry Potter on audio book because I don't like what's on the radio (I've never really liked listening to the radio all that much, I prefer my own music) and I'm tired of the limited music that I seem to have in my collection. I like listening to audio books, but I don't sing enough and I don't think my voice is as good as it used to be because I haven't used it regularly in a long time. So, I have made the decision to finally learn how to play my hammered dulcimer and the guitar because they are my two favorite instruments. And in the meantime, could someone please introduce me to some good Christian music that I'm missing? And please don't say NEEDTOBREATHE because, I'm sorry, I hate the guys voice and the songs that I've heard I don't really like anyway!

Connection

There are certain people in your life that you have a special connection to. The kind of connection that makes it possible to just pick right up where you left off if you only see them every once in awhile. Sure, you talk about how your life's been up until this point, but then, it just goes right into everyday conversation where you are joking around and just enjoying each other. There is no awkwardness because you no longer know how to act around each other. You are still completely free to be yourself and that's okay. You don't feel like you have to put on your "company behavior". I praise the Lord that this was my experience tonight as I caught up with friends from out of town!

Thankful

Last night, we all went around the table and shared what we are thankful for. I was just amazed at how God is working in everyone's lives! I got to hear things that my husband was thankful for and I realized that we don't share what we're thankful for enough. It was nice to hear that neither of us think that our lives suck. There is so much to be thankful for! So, I'm going to share some of what I shared last night.

I'm thankful for how God is working in my life right now and the fact that I'm getting closer to Him! I haven't really felt connected to God in a couple of years and I'm just so thankful that I've finally started to listen to him again!

I'm thankful for my husband! I love who he is and who he is becoming! I am grateful for the way he provides for us! I am thankful for how much he loves Logan. He is such a great father!

I am thankful for God's provision! He has provided us with a house, food, clothing, transportation, and everything else we need!

I am thankful for our church! God has totally blessed us with such a great body of believers! I am constantly growing through what God has to say to me every Sunday!

I am thankful for Logan! I love being a mom. I love that I get to stay at home with Logan for the time being. I love coming up with things to do with him. He is such a sweet little boy and so smart.

Well, I guess that's all for now. I know there's so much more to be thankful for, but that's all the typing I have time for right now. Praise the Lord! He has been so good to me!

Pride

I was reminded yesterday of how my pride and my sin are linked. Things that I didn't even view as pride, God brought before me to reveal the truth. I have never thought of myself as a prideful person. I guess I have just thought of pride to have one definition - thinking you're better than someone else. This one definition has so many meanings. There are lots of ways that we can think of ourselves as better than others and not even realize it.

Yesterday, through one of my best friends, who has always been like a big brother to me, God exposed me to myself. He exposed me for the utterly prideful person that I am and showed me that I am just as prideful as anyone else can be.

Call me crazy, but I love it when God convicts me. I love when He just proves to me that I'm not okay and that I still need Him. I love being brought to tears and practically weeping over the fact that I'm not perfect. I guess it makes me feel like God is still there and He still cares about me and wants me to have abundant life.

Unhealthy Fear

I sometimes have a really unhealthy fear of God. I have heard people say so many times in the past that if something or someone is more important to you than God, He will take that something or someone away. Lately, I have been haunted by this. I am not going to lie and say that God is the most important one in my life right now. My husband and child are the most important.

So, as a result of where my priorities are right now, I have this fear at times that God will take one of them away from me. And the only way He can take them away is by death. This really scares me. It scares me that I even think this way. I know that I need to make God my number 1, but I don't like the idea of doing it out of fear. I don't want to be scared into it because I'm afraid of my son or husband or both dying.

It's really stupid to think of God in that way. This is where Satan really has a foothold on me. He has a big hold on my thoughts. I come up with these scenario's in my head to the point where I convince myself that they are true, when in reality, I know they're not. It happens all the time and in almost every aspect of my life. In my head, most of the time, no one is really my friend. No one really likes me. I'm not a good mother. I'm really going to screw Logan up.

I still try to tell myself that these things are not true, but I don't believe myself and I have trouble believing Mike when he tries to reassure me of the truth. I really need God right now and always. I just can't seem to get back to Him being the center of everything, but I believe that will come in time.

Just Talking

I just have some thoughts I need to put down. I want a life where things happen. One where I can interact with people everyday. I love being with my son all day, but God did not make me to be by myself all day. I need other people. I was made to be a person who is out there investing in people and I don't want to only be able to do that when my husband is home from work. I want to spend time with him as well. And we need money. That's all there is to it. My son is not going to have to worry about where his college money is going to come from. He is not going to be buried by loans like I am and not be able to finish school because of money. I am so tired of feeling like I will be the most horrible mother in the world if I put my son in daycare. I know that putting him in daycare will not be the end of the world and that it doesn't make me a bad mother, but I feel like that's what a lot of the Christian world believes. Not all daycare's are bad. And putting your kid in daycare doesn't say anything about your parenting. Sometimes you've got to do what you've got to do. Period.