I sometimes have a really unhealthy fear of God. I have heard people say so many times in the past that if something or someone is more important to you than God, He will take that something or someone away. Lately, I have been haunted by this. I am not going to lie and say that God is the most important one in my life right now. My husband and child are the most important.
So, as a result of where my priorities are right now, I have this fear at times that God will take one of them away from me. And the only way He can take them away is by death. This really scares me. It scares me that I even think this way. I know that I need to make God my number 1, but I don't like the idea of doing it out of fear. I don't want to be scared into it because I'm afraid of my son or husband or both dying.
It's really stupid to think of God in that way. This is where Satan really has a foothold on me. He has a big hold on my thoughts. I come up with these scenario's in my head to the point where I convince myself that they are true, when in reality, I know they're not. It happens all the time and in almost every aspect of my life. In my head, most of the time, no one is really my friend. No one really likes me. I'm not a good mother. I'm really going to screw Logan up.
I still try to tell myself that these things are not true, but I don't believe myself and I have trouble believing Mike when he tries to reassure me of the truth. I really need God right now and always. I just can't seem to get back to Him being the center of everything, but I believe that will come in time.
