Tugging At My Heart

Have you ever noticed what happens when people who have moved away come back to visit? You feel like you have to get to know them all over again. It's weird to think that they have this completely different life that you are no longer in. I love my friends and I love when I get to see them, but it's almost like an out-of-body experience that makes it seem unreal. It's like a dream. Then after they are gone, you have to ask yourself, "Where they really here?" And sometimes you have to go through the grief process all over again. This is always how it is for me. Would I trade it for anything? Absolutely not. It just tugs at your heart to know that even though you are getting to be with them now, in a few days they will be gone again.

You're A Good Man, Charlie Brown!

I found a copy of the cartoon version of "You're A Good Man, Charlie Brown." It's very interesting how they made those little kids sing all those high notes, and not exactly well. Sometimes I need something to take me back to my childhood. I don't want to be a kid again, but sometimes I miss the innocence of it all. Not knowing how hard life can really be sometimes. Not having to confront people with issues that you never thought would cross your path. As I was watching Charlie Brown last night I just really felt like a kid again. It was good to sit there and laugh like a little girl and also to experience my husband enjoying me laugh. That's why they are my favorite cartoons. They're innocent but really smart at the same time. Anyway, these are just ramblings, but we all need to ramble every once in awhile. I wish I was more active in my own life where I could just remember every detail of how I feel at certain times and what goes through my mind when faced with certain issues.

For The First Time

For the first time in my life I feel like I am going through depression. I really have a lot of unresolved issues I've been dealing with lately. Especially in regards to my grandmother. I honestly don't want to go home a lot of the time because I know I'll have to see her. She is very manipulative and guilt-trippie. She thinks that she is the only reason I come home. I have never been able to say anything to her because I have never seen anyone stand up to her really. My father has a couple of times, but I have never really seen it. I love her because she is my grandmother and that's about it. I feel horrible for thinking this way, but what do you do if a family member is someone you wouldn't have anything to do with if they were someone you just met? She said something to me on the phone the other day that gave me the impression that she partly blames me for her bad health.

I mean, come on. Why is it my fault that she worries about everyone constantly? Why is it my fault that she doesn't eat? Why am I the bad grandchild that doesn't come to see her even though I live 3 hours away? I am sick of getting blamed for everything. This is 26 years of this stuff that I've had to just deal with. The stupid thing is that her manipulations work. I do feel guilty for not calling her more, but I shouldn't. I call her about as much as I do my own parents. Why does she need to be more important than they are? Why does she truly believe that she is the one who raised me? Why does she not like my mother? Why does she think she is more important than my mother?

Sorry for all the ranting, but I just needed to do that.

Suckie Week

Well, let's see. My grandmother had a stroke on Monday and I think she kind of blames me. My husband has been sick this week, so we havn't done much. The DVD player is broken so we can't really watch anything together. I am starting to get sick. Starbucks sucks around the holidays. I havn't seen any friends for almost two weeks. Basically, I have been a hermit. Nuf said for now.