Where Did The Music Go

For as long as I can remember, the one thing that gave me the most joy in life was music. I loved singing and I wanted to learn how to play so many instruments! Music was my way of escape. I would just pour myself into songs and that was my way of venting, expressing my anger, expressing my joy, and praising God. I remember when I found a song that I absolutely loved, I would stay in my room all day and listen to it on repeat. Sometimes I would have a song on repeat all night while I slept. It was comforting and I was good at it. I was pretty good at singing and I excelled at playing the clarinet.

But, now, I feel like there's just not that much music to connect with out there. I'm strictly talking about Christian music because I, in general, don't feel that connected to other music unless I know the story behind it. We only have two Christian radio stations here and they both kind of get on my nerves, one more than the other. There are some songs that I like, but it has been awhile since I have heard anyone put out a song that I love and that moves me (Andrew Peterson is the exception. Let's face it, the man can write! My friend, Ashley, is also the exception! Love you, Shlee!). Either I have lost my ability to find really good Christian music out there or there just isn't a lot.

I really miss my connection with music. I drive around listening to Harry Potter on audio book because I don't like what's on the radio (I've never really liked listening to the radio all that much, I prefer my own music) and I'm tired of the limited music that I seem to have in my collection. I like listening to audio books, but I don't sing enough and I don't think my voice is as good as it used to be because I haven't used it regularly in a long time. So, I have made the decision to finally learn how to play my hammered dulcimer and the guitar because they are my two favorite instruments. And in the meantime, could someone please introduce me to some good Christian music that I'm missing? And please don't say NEEDTOBREATHE because, I'm sorry, I hate the guys voice and the songs that I've heard I don't really like anyway!

Connection

There are certain people in your life that you have a special connection to. The kind of connection that makes it possible to just pick right up where you left off if you only see them every once in awhile. Sure, you talk about how your life's been up until this point, but then, it just goes right into everyday conversation where you are joking around and just enjoying each other. There is no awkwardness because you no longer know how to act around each other. You are still completely free to be yourself and that's okay. You don't feel like you have to put on your "company behavior". I praise the Lord that this was my experience tonight as I caught up with friends from out of town!

Thankful

Last night, we all went around the table and shared what we are thankful for. I was just amazed at how God is working in everyone's lives! I got to hear things that my husband was thankful for and I realized that we don't share what we're thankful for enough. It was nice to hear that neither of us think that our lives suck. There is so much to be thankful for! So, I'm going to share some of what I shared last night.

I'm thankful for how God is working in my life right now and the fact that I'm getting closer to Him! I haven't really felt connected to God in a couple of years and I'm just so thankful that I've finally started to listen to him again!

I'm thankful for my husband! I love who he is and who he is becoming! I am grateful for the way he provides for us! I am thankful for how much he loves Logan. He is such a great father!

I am thankful for God's provision! He has provided us with a house, food, clothing, transportation, and everything else we need!

I am thankful for our church! God has totally blessed us with such a great body of believers! I am constantly growing through what God has to say to me every Sunday!

I am thankful for Logan! I love being a mom. I love that I get to stay at home with Logan for the time being. I love coming up with things to do with him. He is such a sweet little boy and so smart.

Well, I guess that's all for now. I know there's so much more to be thankful for, but that's all the typing I have time for right now. Praise the Lord! He has been so good to me!

Pride

I was reminded yesterday of how my pride and my sin are linked. Things that I didn't even view as pride, God brought before me to reveal the truth. I have never thought of myself as a prideful person. I guess I have just thought of pride to have one definition - thinking you're better than someone else. This one definition has so many meanings. There are lots of ways that we can think of ourselves as better than others and not even realize it.

Yesterday, through one of my best friends, who has always been like a big brother to me, God exposed me to myself. He exposed me for the utterly prideful person that I am and showed me that I am just as prideful as anyone else can be.

Call me crazy, but I love it when God convicts me. I love when He just proves to me that I'm not okay and that I still need Him. I love being brought to tears and practically weeping over the fact that I'm not perfect. I guess it makes me feel like God is still there and He still cares about me and wants me to have abundant life.

Unhealthy Fear

I sometimes have a really unhealthy fear of God. I have heard people say so many times in the past that if something or someone is more important to you than God, He will take that something or someone away. Lately, I have been haunted by this. I am not going to lie and say that God is the most important one in my life right now. My husband and child are the most important.

So, as a result of where my priorities are right now, I have this fear at times that God will take one of them away from me. And the only way He can take them away is by death. This really scares me. It scares me that I even think this way. I know that I need to make God my number 1, but I don't like the idea of doing it out of fear. I don't want to be scared into it because I'm afraid of my son or husband or both dying.

It's really stupid to think of God in that way. This is where Satan really has a foothold on me. He has a big hold on my thoughts. I come up with these scenario's in my head to the point where I convince myself that they are true, when in reality, I know they're not. It happens all the time and in almost every aspect of my life. In my head, most of the time, no one is really my friend. No one really likes me. I'm not a good mother. I'm really going to screw Logan up.

I still try to tell myself that these things are not true, but I don't believe myself and I have trouble believing Mike when he tries to reassure me of the truth. I really need God right now and always. I just can't seem to get back to Him being the center of everything, but I believe that will come in time.

Just Talking

I just have some thoughts I need to put down. I want a life where things happen. One where I can interact with people everyday. I love being with my son all day, but God did not make me to be by myself all day. I need other people. I was made to be a person who is out there investing in people and I don't want to only be able to do that when my husband is home from work. I want to spend time with him as well. And we need money. That's all there is to it. My son is not going to have to worry about where his college money is going to come from. He is not going to be buried by loans like I am and not be able to finish school because of money. I am so tired of feeling like I will be the most horrible mother in the world if I put my son in daycare. I know that putting him in daycare will not be the end of the world and that it doesn't make me a bad mother, but I feel like that's what a lot of the Christian world believes. Not all daycare's are bad. And putting your kid in daycare doesn't say anything about your parenting. Sometimes you've got to do what you've got to do. Period.

Times, They Are A Changing

Well, it looks like I'm going to have to find a way to bring some money in. Don't get me wrong, Mike brings in enough for us to live on, but we aren't able to save anything. So, I'm searching for a job. I don't think it would be the worst thing in the world to have to put Logan in daycare, but I am having such a great life by him being with me everyday. So, what I'm looking for is a nanny position where I can take him with me. I'm also thinking about selling Mary Kay as well, because most of the nanny positions I am finding are part time and I think it would be fun. Also, we're going to have a car payment soon because we are looking at buying me a car. I haven't had one for quite a few months now. We have gotten by with one car just fine. I just want a car so that I don't have to go grocery shopping when Mike gets off work and so that I can take Logan out during the day when it's nice. I would also like to be able to go to the mom's small group at church that's on Monday morning. We'll see.

Anyway, I won't be a strictly stay-at-home mom for too much longer, but hopefully whatever job I get, Logan can come with me.

New Blog

I may still post on here, but I followed my Mother-In-Law over to wordpress. It just seems like a nice change. My address is www.tangerubbo.wordpress.com