Satan loves to attack me when things are going well. My day started off really nice and easy. I fed the baby, played with him, put him down for his morning nap, folded laundry, got a cup of coffee, and took a book to read outside on the deck. Then all of a sudden, BAM! My day turned horrible and I did not handle it well. I really failed at kicking Satan in the teeth today. I hate that. Why does he have to ruin good things? Why do I have to be tempted with anger and why do I give in to that anger? It's just another reminder that I am a fallen human being. I am not perfect and I really hate that.
I have this big desire to be perfect and when I'm not I beat myself up. And lately I have too many bruises to count. I know that being angry is not wrong, but I hate the way I feel when I'm angry. It's the closest I ever come to being out of control of myself. I don't get drunk and I don't get high, I get angry. I am a very angry person lately and I just want to get back to feeling the love of God around me. My emotions tell me that it's impossible to feel that love again. But my head, that knows nothing about God is impossible, is telling me that I can feel that love again and be wrapped up in my Savior's arms. I just hope that day comes soon.
2 comments:
When I was like umm 19 and Dr Powell said the 20s were all about making life choices, changes, settling down and a roller coaster of big decisions--I could not have imagined that the 20s were as crap as they turned out to be. I caught on about the time Julia Roberts said turning 30 was the best day of her life. I look forward to that with such expectation. It has turned out to be so really awesome. We're about to buy a house, I started dressing really glam and getting pedicures and working out at the gym. Reagan and I shop together and cooking comes easy now. Riley is all day school and I stand around with the other working moms in my gym gear ready to pick him up and Sean is almost done with his MBA. I feel like so many things are WAY more settled in life.
In the midst of the worst, angry, awful years when life was just a ominous cloud--there were so many nights I could kiss Riley and look at how beautiful he was and realize what a wonderful gift he was. He is such a precious treasure. He's this amazing little kid with humor and energy and love all bundled into RILEY and he's ours. That is so completely God. Capture those moments and don't lose them. Life is crazy, but Logan is God's gift to you and a reminder that in all of the chaos, he has not forgotten you.
Cat, thank you so much for this encouragement!
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