This might hurt
It's not safe
But I know that I've gotta make a change
I don't care If I break
At least I'll be feeling something
Cause just ok
Is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life
Chorus
I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking
What if I had given everything?
Instead of going through the motions
No regrets
Not this time
I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love
Make me whole
I think I'm finally feeling something
Take me all the way
Take me all the way
Take me all the way
This is pretty much how I feel right now. There has been such a distance between God and me for so long and I'm sick of it. I want that relationship back. Especially now because I don't think I can make it without it. We have a baby on the way and I want him to grow up knowing who Jesus is. I'm learning more and more that life is impossible without God. I'm not the person I used to be. I don't talk to God the way I used to. I don't read His Word on a regular basis. I don't bring Him my struggles and worries and when I do, it's like a last resort. I don't want God to be my last resort. I want Him to be the one I go to first because He's the only one who can make things right. I want Him to be in my thoughts all the time. I want Him to be the one I live for again. I've been living for myself for so long and it's getting me nowhere but to a place of apathy. I want a higher purpose instead of just trying to make it through the day. I want to be involved in other people's lives. I don't really have friends right now that I can hang out with and I don't really have a ministry. I spend my days off in my apartment by myself. I'm not investing in others the way I want to. I need relationships. I need a relationship with God. I need relationships with others. I love my husband, but I need other people in my life as well and I just don't have that right now. I need people who will talk about God with me and encourage me to keep working on my relationship with Him. This is very heavy stuff for 3 am, but I can't sleep because I'm to stressed out about things. And that's another issue. When I was really close to God, I was never kept awake at night worrying about things. Now, it's pretty common. Anyway, that's me right now. I'm not giving up. I'm going to keep trying to know God again. I need Him more than anything.
2 comments:
hey... thanks for sharing this. I can relate. :)
Do you think that the process of things not working out like you expected have led to an apathy with God? I've struggled with being disillusioned with life and Christianity, but when I finally took a huge step back and redefined what I believe without the presupposition that I would be christian, I still came out believing in a supreme being and his direction and interest in my life.
I've found many Christians who are disillusioned by Christianity and what it has come to represent especially in the church which seems to be extremely prosperity driven. That works for anyone who wants their cake and wants to eat it too - but I don't know where that leaves a great majority of us who do not have wealthy parents, have not had support, have experienced the 25% of abusive statistics and/or have not had education at our finger tips our whole lives. The church doesn't seem to meet us where we're at. Nor does it any longer come alongside us to support us. I feel like it - contrarily - waits until you've "made it" to claim you. That makes the church sales oriented, not ministry oriented and in fact for profit, not nonprofit.
Anyway, you aren't the only one who's disillusioned, but if you consider where you've come from to where you're at - I assure you that you can see God at work in your life. Although bad things and unexpected things happen and plans don't work out, when you recognize God in your life, you'll look for what he IS doing, not what he isn't. I've certainly spent too much time focusing on the latter.
I think quiet times are irrelevant if you can't learn to identify world events and consider them from a Christian Perspective and in that light, I've learned "spending time alone" reading anything or listening to musicians and their thoughts, exploring pop culture or art and reflecting on it from a Biblical perspective is as much a quiet time as being an early riser that reads the Bible for hours at a time. In fact, I think it's possible to live a life that reflects Jesus 24/7, not just in a few hours. So don't beat yourself up over not having a quiet time or even praying consistently. There's more to Christianity than just fitting into a box.
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