I sometimes have a really unhealthy fear of God. I have heard people say so many times in the past that if something or someone is more important to you than God, He will take that something or someone away. Lately, I have been haunted by this. I am not going to lie and say that God is the most important one in my life right now. My husband and child are the most important.
So, as a result of where my priorities are right now, I have this fear at times that God will take one of them away from me. And the only way He can take them away is by death. This really scares me. It scares me that I even think this way. I know that I need to make God my number 1, but I don't like the idea of doing it out of fear. I don't want to be scared into it because I'm afraid of my son or husband or both dying.
It's really stupid to think of God in that way. This is where Satan really has a foothold on me. He has a big hold on my thoughts. I come up with these scenario's in my head to the point where I convince myself that they are true, when in reality, I know they're not. It happens all the time and in almost every aspect of my life. In my head, most of the time, no one is really my friend. No one really likes me. I'm not a good mother. I'm really going to screw Logan up.
I still try to tell myself that these things are not true, but I don't believe myself and I have trouble believing Mike when he tries to reassure me of the truth. I really need God right now and always. I just can't seem to get back to Him being the center of everything, but I believe that will come in time.
1 comment:
Corrie, I don't think there's an order of importance in terms of where God is in your life. God is really everything... he gave you your husband and he gave you your son and he gives us these gifts to enjoy them. Caring for people IS an act of worship. Don't underestimate that. I also think it's important that Biblical Values define our every day life and the choices we make, but so much theology in the church is flawed. It's not like I stop and think long and hard through my choices anymore. I've been doing it long enough to have those values literally etched on my soul. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I DO have values, I just don't talk about them all the time! When you are younger, I think it's natural to have those choices in the front of your mind since you 1.) have a lot of choices to make about life impacting decisions and 2.) you're still sorting through the world and your perspective and what it means.
I'm not sure what you are expecting from yourself in terms of putting God first, but I feel like you're defeated by that idea and you have been for awhile. You can love God with every bit of who you are and people will still die. You can make good choices and live every day to the fullest, but you will still face sickness, death, and financial troubles... and taxes. You can't control life, but that's the beauty of it!
I don't usually listen to people who talk the talk... at all. I assume if people have to talk about it so much, they must be trying to convince themselves. I put much more value in people who have actions that back their beliefs. My husband almost NEVER talks about his faith, but it guides his decisions and his actions and defines his ethics. I see it every day in his consistency and dedication to our family. Why wouldn't I think God is the most important thing to him? I don't think of God as being first in my life, I think of God as defining what's important in my life, how I live, and the things I value.
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