For the first time in my life I feel like I am going through depression. I really have a lot of unresolved issues I've been dealing with lately. Especially in regards to my grandmother. I honestly don't want to go home a lot of the time because I know I'll have to see her. She is very manipulative and guilt-trippie. She thinks that she is the only reason I come home. I have never been able to say anything to her because I have never seen anyone stand up to her really. My father has a couple of times, but I have never really seen it. I love her because she is my grandmother and that's about it. I feel horrible for thinking this way, but what do you do if a family member is someone you wouldn't have anything to do with if they were someone you just met? She said something to me on the phone the other day that gave me the impression that she partly blames me for her bad health.
I mean, come on. Why is it my fault that she worries about everyone constantly? Why is it my fault that she doesn't eat? Why am I the bad grandchild that doesn't come to see her even though I live 3 hours away? I am sick of getting blamed for everything. This is 26 years of this stuff that I've had to just deal with. The stupid thing is that her manipulations work. I do feel guilty for not calling her more, but I shouldn't. I call her about as much as I do my own parents. Why does she need to be more important than they are? Why does she truly believe that she is the one who raised me? Why does she not like my mother? Why does she think she is more important than my mother?
Sorry for all the ranting, but I just needed to do that.
1 comment:
I didn't know about your grandmother's stroke..I'm sorry to hear she isn't doing well.
This is one thing I don't like about blogger than I like about xanga - this is a public site and xanga has "protected" option.
I have to think about what you wrote because your grandparents were very involved in your life in a way that mine weren't...but how much of that your parents actually wanted and how much your grandmother actually took control of is to be determined between them. Do you know what I mean?
It sounds like a good time to read the Boundaries book.
Regardless of what happens here...don't spend too much emotional time trying to figure this out now...she can't have too many years left to live. Try to finish well in your relationship with her. She loves you for what's it's worth. At the same time,don't spend too much emotional time feeling guilty either - by all means. When you hang up the phone, get a mental picture of cutting of the emotional baggage too.
As for life, it just sucks for most people right now. Be glad that you didn't buy a house in the last 4-5 years and don't put any insane pressure on yourself to buy a house ever. The economy in America sucks for everyone...really. It does. And because of that...a lot of things suck in general.
Overall, I'm really sorry things aren't going well.
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